Howdy stranger!
You've had
the incredible misfortune...um..I mean good luck of stumblin' across
the home of ANGRY JOHNNY and The KILLBILLIES, folks 'round here just
call it Killville. So c'mon in and grab yerself
a bar stool and a beer. Set yerself down an' relax but keep one hand
on yer pistol an' one eye on the door. Dewey's is known to experience
a little c'motion every now 'n then.
If you hang
'round long enough ya might meet some of the locals like Crazy
Zeke Harkins the musical genius that tried to set the Killbillies
on the righteous path o' the Lord Almighty. Didn't have much luck
but hey, what the Hell, God bless 'im fer tryin'. And then there's
Henry, wait a sec'nd, Henry's been sent off to the great Beyond in
a hail of lead courtesy of the local Killville PD, so I guess he won't
be droppin' by. Speakin' of the local PD, Big Dick Turner must be
'round here some place, that's SHERRIFF Big Dick Turner, you best
don't get that son'bitch riled if you know what's best. Big Dick Turner's
squeeze Madeline usually stumbles in here 'round 10 already half undressed
and stinkin' of whiskey and three dollar perfume, just lookin' fer
trouble. Careful y'don't fall for her feminine wiles or you might
end up planted out behind the pig house down at old man Baker's farm.
The Killbillies
should be along soon too, they got a steady gig here, don't pay much
but the whiskey's free. Angry
Johnny's the one does most the singin' and he sorta plays guitar.
And then there's sharp dressin' Mr
Jim Joe Greedy playin' that b'zar stand up bass contraption he
calls the voodoo stick and blowin' away on that harmonica of his.
And bangin' away on the drums is that dude Sal
Vega. I gotta tell ya they ain't half bad, an the more you drink
the better they sound. They even got a couple of them CD's out but
they don't sound much like nothin' on my ol' victrola. Folks tell
me they're pretty good though. One of these days I gotta get myself
one of them newfangled CD players,
soon as the selectmen find it in their cold little hearts to finally
extend the 'lectricity out to my place. Anyhow where was I...Oh yeah,
them Killbillies sing a lot of songs 'bout the local trash, most the
names been changed to " protect the ignorant" as Angry puts it. There's
lots of songs 'bout killin' an'
gettin' killed an drinkin'
an' gettin' drunk. Some songs 'bout Jesus and plenty of songs 'bout
Angry's arch nemesis Old Scratch, that's right, the Devil himself.
Yep that Angry's got a thing 'bout Old Scratch comin' and takin' his
soul, he just goes on and on 'bout it sometimes. Near as I can figure
it has somethin' to do with a woman and a game of 8-ball and a wager
that poor old Angry lost but with all his ramblin' sometimes he's
kinda hard to follow. 'Round here we just chock it up to all the whiskey
that boy drinks. After all, what the Hell would the devil be wantin'
with Angry's soul anyway? I'm not even sure if that boy has one come
to think of it. When they ain't singin' 'bout killin' an' drinkin'
they got some real heartbreakin' love songs that'll bring a tear to
yer eye and put an ache in yer heart. And boy o'boy I almost forgot,
they got some mighty pretty songs 'bout car crashes too, one of their
favorite subjects I take it.
So like I said,
stick 'round town for a while, you might enjoy yerself, then again,
you might not. Oh yeah, stay outa them woods, bad stuff happens in
the woods 'round here, you can learn all about that over at The
Museum of The Strange.
Anyhow, I best
get back to my drinkin' and let you get along with yer business. Enjoy
yer stay, just don't stay too long.
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